Not All Sorrow

Dear Roxi,

… I still struggled with the guilt and shame. I then began to mask my feelings with drugs – particularly painkillers. I could just not handle anything at that point in life. My dependency on painkillers evolved and took over my life. A few months ago I began sniffing heroin. I became a junky. However, this tale is not all sorrow. Ten days ago, I woke up, and decided I was done. I no longer wanted to run and hide from my pain, and I have been clean for ten days. It has been a living hell. Detoxing was so painful, and I am still not back to normal. I am not on methadone or suboxane. I want to get clean the right way, not just become dependent on another drug. Tonight I am attending my first AA meeting since the summer I graduated from the Family Foundation School.  I am lucky to now have many friends inside the program who are helping me though this hardship. I am very nervous to go back to AA, even though it is MY decision. I finally have become sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think about everyone at the school often. You have all taught me so much, and I am finally taking what I have learned and really applying it to my life. I had to reach a bottom and now I am slowing picking myself up. Even though I still feel icky, I feel ALIVE for the first time in years. I have already begun to work on my fourth step. I guess I just wanted to reach out to someone at the FFS, and you were the first one I thought of. I am really scared to go to the meeting tonight. I am not sure why, because I have about 12 people deeply rooted in the program to help me. I think I am so nervous because for once this is my own choosing. I am choosing life. I am choosing sobriety. I can no longer continue to live my life the way I have for the past year. I honestly believe that without the school I would not have had the strength to get clean. I didn’t go to detox, or rehab, or anything like that. I am very serious about changing my life. I miss you so much and wish I could just sit with you and talk to you. I really hope that someday I can see you again. I would love to take a trip to the school once I have enough sobriety. But, I know one day at a time.

S. S.