I just had an amazing meeting with a student. It’s 6:30, right before dinner and I’ve just come out of the family leaders meeting. Panava, a senior floor person tells me there is a student who needs to see me. I’m the highest authority in the school at the moment and he needs to get something off his chest. John, not his real name, comes into my office. He tells me about a negative contract he has with two boys from another house. He has known about them doing drugs. Details spill out from him. He smuggled in $21 when he came back from his Christmas visit. A week after he returned, he told one boy, call him Zack, who then told John, that he and another boy, Eric, were getting high on some Klonopin they had in the dorm. So, John had been carrying the secret for about a week.
I thanked John for his honesty and I asked him to tell me a little something about himself because he was not a student that I knew well. He said, very matter-of-factly, I’m a liar. I lie to my parents. I lie to everyone here staff and my friends. I lie all the time. He is calm, relaxed, he has a smile on his face.
I ask him, “Do you mean, that you’re okay with the fact that you’re a liar? Or, are you saying that you want to stop being a liar?”
“Yes, I want to stop lying. I am…”
I asked another question. “So, how long have you been working the program?”
“15 minutes about.” He says, blowing me away.
“What happened?” I said, curious look on my face.
“Okay, I better say the whole story.”
In addition to knowing about the two kids getting high in the dorm, he had had another secret. He had gotten high and smoke cigarettes on his home visit at Christmas. When he came back, he tested positive for marijuana and nicotine on his drug test but he denied it. These tests are wrong once in a blue moon. His family counselor had arranged a telephone conference with his family. They confront him. He denies it. The family group ends. His sponsor and his junior sponsor, who had been in the family group and “knew in his gut” that John was lying, talked to him. By now both the junior sponsor and John are talking excitedly, telling me what has happened. Clearly, both got something positive out of the experience. I am not sure what the junior sponsor said. They referred to a couple of stories and analogies.
John continues, “I can’t explain it, I just decided to tell the truth.”
“How does it feel?”
He said, “better, lighter. As soon as I told my sponsor that I lied, I called my parents back. My father was angry. Normally I would be sad. But I felt okay. It didn’t matter. I was free.”
John rattled on about what was going to happen next…., “yes, I got a make amends for my brother. I have to apologize to the family. But there’s other staff I need to apologize to…”
We talked for a few more minutes, and I came home to feed the dogs. Now I’m writing this before I forget. It isn’t every day you get to witness somebody in the first 15 minutes of a new life.
There is a lot of trash being written about me, my family, and The Family Foundation School on the Internet. They twist everything we do, taking something beautiful like the encounter that I just had and they do the best they can to make it sound ugly and mean. Sobriety is so fragile. Our relationship to honesty is so fragile. A student I’ve called John is having a real moment of conversion right now here in Hancock, New York. It might not last. He might go back to being the liar he was an hour ago. But for right now, he is a fellow traveler.
~ Rita Argiros
The Family Foundation School Matters
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Very interesting and revealing. How often does this happen? I had a probation officer form another state advise me that when I sent my grandson to a school like Family Foundation it was like learning from other “inmates”. Our grandson is doing fantastic, I just pray he is not exposed to abuse.
Dear Ms.Argiros- My son Phillip has been at FFS for over a year and will graduate the program in June. I was surprised and saddened to read about the negativity that you have encountered. My son, while it took some time, has responded in the most positive way to the FFS philosophy. He has matured, is doing well in school and has embraced an attitude of love and respect, an ability to see into himself and more importantly how is actions impact all around him. He has changed in many ways and, in my opinion, growing up and ready to take his place as a responsible member of society. My wife and I have seen first hand the results of your work. These kids are tough and smart. They put up huge barriers, and only time and a consistent effort by those around them can have any effect. To see this first hand,to witness the love and respect that your staff gives these kids and to realize the results has been nothing short of a miracle. My heart goes out to those who criticize for they speak without any understanding of what is the truth. I have recommended your school to those whose children have spun out of control and have no where to turn. I don’t know what would have happened to my son without FFS. God bless your work, your staff, and your school. R.Paganello
great post , Rita!
It is obvious that the staff at the Family School is dedicated and commited to the students who attend FFS. The environment that is created is one of support, love and dedication. Dedication to sobriety, dedication to the mission of character development and dedication to our children who attend this special school. Things happen, mistakes occur, and sometimes the outcomes we hope for are not realized. This does not change the beauty of the mission, the staff or the goals. We appreciate all that you do to affect the lives of these teens.
Rita–This story is just one of many I have heard since becoming involved with FFS. I get tears in my eyes every time I read them. My daughter will be at FFS one year on February 9. She turned 18 a few weeks ago and is committed to the school and program. After reading your comments about the school and your family being “trashed” I did some searches and was so saddened. My experience with the school, from my first visit to see the school until now, has been nothing but positive. Everyone at the school was open and honest and I felt very comfortable asking anyone anything before making the decision to send Liz there. I have spoken to some parents and alumni that also have positive things to say about their experience there. I was very confident with the choice I made for my daughter. Although my daughter has some time to go to complete her program and no one can predict the future, I feel that, for now, FFS has saved her life and I will be eternally grateful for the love and support that my daughter has been shown by everyone at the FFS. Please know that my family and I are one of the your biggest fans!
Well this brings me back and really helps. I love you guys and am grateful for the moments in my life when I have had that feeling of peace that the boy describes after getting honest. Growing up is hard enough but if you ad other problems like substance abuse or addiction or like me out of control fear, anger and emotions it is even harder. At FFS I learned tools or habits like looking at my side of the street and my mistakes when I find myself angry or charged and then to clean up my mistakes. That has helped me countless times. Its the Serenity Prayer and when I want peace I focus on what I can change and let the rest go. Thanks for sharing.